i guess tumblr is the place i go
to write my deepest darkest thoughts. there’s no place on facebook or twitter for this shit. maybe because on here i’m pretty sure no one reads my posts anyways. it’s more for a personal record and recollection of my thoughts.
anyways, it’s Thanksgiving, and i’m in a truly grateful mood. this has been the most wonderful break since i’ve started college. never have i felt so lucky to have grown up in beautiful el dorado hills and surrounding areas. i feel so incredibly thankful for the loving, supportive, and psychotic family i was born into. i’ve become so much closer to them, especially my mom, just over the past few months. i may not have the most friends in the world, but i have great ones on my side. jenni- if you’re reading this, you mean the fucking world to me. It’s amazing that my best friends from middle school are still so close to me. some i see/talk to more than others, some i haven’t seen in about a year but i feel we can pick up right where we left off and will be friends for life. i feel like i am finally starting to learn who my real, true friends are and that has never felt so good.
i feel lucky to have made good, true friends back in chico too, and that one of them lives super close to my home town! i miss my roommate! it’s hard to imagine that a complete stranger from craigslist could become such a good friend so easily. i miss and love my pita pit family, and i will forever be grateful to the dakofs for giving me a job, and so much more than that. i don’t know what i would have done four months ago when my ex & i broke up without the support of my coworkers and especially my boss. its hard to explain how my job is really like being part of a dysfunctional family. even if we hate each other at times, we always have each others backs, and i really care about them (most of them).
last but very much not least, i am thankful for the past two years and amazing love i experienced with the one and only, the infamous, josh cortright. breakups are messy and i fucking hate them. it’s been a hell of a roller coaster ride but i am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. i’ve learned so much more about myself, love, life, and true happiness in the past four months since we broke up than i probably have in my entire life. He never should have cheated, but in a way i’m glad that he did. that was truly the ONLY way for us to both learn our lessons. i’m not sure exactly what he’s taken out of this whole experience, and it’s really none of my concern (other than hoping he has learned at least 1/100th of what i have. hopefully something about the importance of being faithful.) i’ve learned that you need to be truly happy with yourself and the life you live before you can be happy in a committed, healthy relationship. you must love yourself first so the love you give to someone else is selfless and not selfish. you must still put yourself first at times. you must learn to let go of all negative things in the past, choose to pick yourself up & move on in a way that will make your life better. you must never be dependent on someone else to be happy. sometimes i think our love was an addiction more than anything else, but i still believe it was real. we handled it the wrong way. we both made mistakes. we were too young to be thinking about forever. we fought about things we shouldn’t have. we got way too in over our heads.
an incredible bond with one person was broken, and it was the hardest, most heart-wrenching, devastating thing i have ever been through. some days it still is. but mostly it opened up a million doors for me to open my heart & let my family and friends and all sorts of new, exciting, and different people, in.
i’m finding it within my heart to forgive josh for what he has done. i’m not sure what that means for our future, if there even is one at all. friends, enemies, strangers with memories? i have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen, and weirdly i’m okay with that. All i know is i can’t live my life harboring this hurt, sadness, and anger towards someone i once loved so intensely. that’s why i hope to forgive him one day… not for his sake, or even for our sake, but for mine.
and that’s how i know i’m truly growing as a person, by taking steps to ensure MY happiness. i hope to keep moving forward. i hope to continue to recognize my flaws and work consciously to change them.
2012 has been an incredibly trying year for me, and i am going to come out on top.
I don’t understand people who think drunk texts are annoying. I think drunk texts are so cute. Just think of it this way, you’re who that person is thinking of when their brain isn’t even functioning properly, you’re who that person is thinking of when they can’t even form coherent sentences. You’re on that person’s mind when they have the motor skills of an infant, that’s pretty fucking awesome if you ask me.
i just spent $200 online at forever 21 in the ACCESSORY SECTION ONLY.
THIS IS NOT A JOKE